"I am separated and I can't cope"

Question: "I am separated and I can't cope. I am so devastated, I cannot even face dealing with all of the issues which I have to tackle, now that the relationship is over. What am I to do? Where do I even start."

Answer: For most people, separation results in a fundamental shift in everyday reality. It comes with feelings of uncertainty, loss of control, anxiety and sometimes guilt. Most people cope with it, over a period of time. The length of time it takes to normalize one's life after separation depends on a whole series of factors, most importantly - the individual himself or herself.

Here are some tips and suggestions:

1. Do not beat yourself up - Being hard on yourself will make you feel even worse about the situation. Be kind to yourself, spend enough time on self-care, and remember that separation can be as devastating as a physical accident - your feelings and emotions have sustained a trauma - this time takes time to heal.

2. Help the healing process - Even if you are incredibly hurt, it is important to take steps forward, little ones if necessary, but forward. Rely on your support network of friends and family. Share your grief with those close to you. Join a support network, online or in person. Seek help from professionals like doctors, therapists and counselors. You may also consider turning to someone who shares your faith for assistance - a rabbi, a pastor, a priest. Feeling vulnerable and acknowledging is not a sign of weakness - it’s a sign of self-awareness. This is important.

3. Do not bury your head in the sand - Inertia does not advance your situation to a conclusion. Move forward by tackling the issues, at your pace. Get legal advice on the issues in your case, so that you are better equipped to make calm, rational, organized decisions about them.

Most of all, know that there is no “magic date” by which you will get better or are expected to get better. Recovery and adjustment take time. If necessary, supportive counselling can provide you with important tools to handle your feelings and emotions in a productive way.

©AJJakubowska