Sound or Signal - "Communication" in family law

SOUND IS A FACT OF LIFE.

Some sound is pleasing to the ear, the mind and soul. Take the sound of birds chirping as an example. Or the sound of waves along the shore.

Some sound is noise - it can be disturbing. Loud construction work along a route we take every day can disrupt the expected sounds of the morning commute.

Some noise is downright disruptive. Sometimes, disruption and upheaval are the sequential results of noise. At other times, that disruption and upheaval are desired by the noise-maker - they are the goal.

Separation and disputes between spouses result of a variety of sounds and noises. 

In navigating the sometimes stormy waters of separation it is important to distinguish between

SOUND and SIGNAL.

ASK: 

-is the latest comment from my spouse (whether made directly, through email, by text, through a letter from a lawyer) only SOUND or is it a SIGNAL? 

-is the comment actually conveying a message to which I am well-advised to pay attention or is this comment simply noise, sound, deliberately designed to upset me?

Here are a couple of examples of comments made by one separating spouse to another:

"You are worthless. You always have been. All our friends agree. You had nothing when you came into the marriage and now you think you can take half. I will fight. You are worthless." - THIS IS SOUND only. This statement is designed to disturb and hurt the other spouse. File it in the folder you have marked "Sound only". Let it go.

"I am sick of your new wife. She will never be the children's mother. I am going to move with the children so I don't have to watch your new happy little family. I have a place lined up already but I won't tell you till it's done"  - THIS IS SIGNAL - and you need to pay attention. The comments ARE hurtful and designed to upset the father and his new wife but there is also important information in the comment - that mom plans on moving with the children and plans to tell father that she has moved only after she does so. Father should be taking further steps in connection with this information.

Separating and divorced spouses who are in conflict hurl "noisy" communications at each other almost daily, in a variety of forms. Learning to distinguish SOUND from SIGNAL can help deal with the onslaught and to maintain some clarity.

©AJJakubowska