COVID-19 and Parenting (2)

Parenting Challenges Not Uncommon during COVID-19 Pandemic

The COVID-19 pandemic is now our everyday reality. It has impacted the very way we live our day-to-day lives. It has affected our children’s routines, schooling and play, our physical and social relationships, and in many instances, the state of our bank account. It has introduced uncertainty, concern and even anxiety into our days and nights – in ways which are sometimes more obvious and less obvious, and therefore more difficult to detect. The world is on edge.

Without question, children of all ages are deeply impacted by the pandemic – and they are processing the changes around them, and their parents’ altered routines and sometimes demeanour, based on their ages and stages of development.

I have been doing a lot of reading about this subject, selecting my sources of such information with care. While I am not a psychologist, and do not purport to have training in the mental health care field, I do discern some frequently-written-about themes when it comes to parenting in these difficult times. Here are my observations about these themes. If any of the points raised resonate with you, speak to your health care provider for further professional guidance:

1.       Keep it positive – As we all know, children routinely “feed off” their parents’ behaviour. In the area of family law, we have experience with this issue in the area of access, for example – it is well-established by science, for example, that a parent who is overtly anxious, not to mention negative, in anticipation of the other parent picking up the children will project that outward, and likely impact the children’s own perception of what is about to happen. Behaviour and statements around the pandemic are likely to have the same effect.  Worry and anxiety about the impact of COVID-19 are not buttons we can simply turn off but it is important to remain vigilant about the messaging we are creating around these issues. Experts in the field of child psychology suggest staying as positive as possible around children and when at all viable, creating an atmosphere of opportunity and adventure around the fact that many parents are now working from home and Ontario’s children are not currently attending school. Engaging, creative, novel activities, games and practices at home go a long way in keeping children active and positive about what is happening around them.

2.       Be prepared to answer questions – Based on what I have read, there is virtual consensus that dismissing children’s questions about what is happening around them is not constructive. Children will have such questions, and these should be answered appropriately for each child’s age and stage of development. It is helpful to have these discussions with children one-on-one, particularly when siblings in a home differ in age. What you tell a teenager will be lost on a 6-year-old, and likely confuse or even scare them more. Do not over-promise and do admit when you do not have an answer to a question posed. Encourage ongoing discussion.

3.       Verbalize expectations – The currently-disrupted routines mean that children are sometimes confused about what is to happen next. They are not clear about their parents’ expectations and what role they are to play in new routines. Here, verbalizing such new expectations helps a great deal. Parents should consider pitching adjusted routines and timetables, as well as responsibilities around the household, as team players to fellow team players. This creates an additional level of engagement and sends a signal along the lines of “we are in this together and you can help”. Writing out daily routines and schedules on whiteboards, for example, is helpful as children can then refer to these visual aids as reminders, particularly when adjustments are initially made.

4.       Praise children for behaving well – In these uncertain times, and as they often watch their parents navigate them with a degree of anxiety, children yearn for praise and positive reinforcement. Hearing a parent say that they followed directions well or behaved in a helpful way grounds children, and creates a positive image around their role in the household. Such exchanges also remind the child that they are loved, despite the changes around them.

5.       Do not discourage fun – While these are serious time with serious consequences, remember that play is children’s language. Young minds express themselves through play. It is a way for them to cope with the world around them. While a degree of order needs to be maintained in the household, including to allow the inhabitants to coexist, children should be allowed to play and do so in new and inventive ways. Sometimes, you will observe your children import the pandemic into their games – I read a very interesting article about this in The Atlantic. It talked about boys playing “corona-ball” and younger children using pandemic language while playing “doctor”. This is normal, expected behaviour and parents need not be alarmed unless the degree of role-playing or frequency of references to death, for example, are such as to call for a consultation with the child’s pediatrician, for example. The ability to play and use imaginations can help reduce children’s anxiety and sense of uncertainty.

6.       Watch your anger, turn to mindfulness for help – With so much on our plates these days, with challenges coming at us from just about every direction, frustration is common. It is important to remember that frequently, it manifests as anger. Frustration with our inability to control our circumstances, our worry about our families, our concern about the future, can cause us to become impatient with ourselves and importantly, with others. Tempers are on edge and children are watching. If you are raising your voice at your child again because they are not behaving, step back and ask yourself: “Am I really angry or am I frustrated at the fact that we have all been home for the last several weeks?” Stay mindful. Often, naming how we feel helps us deal with the feeling or emotion more effectively. Remember, children can also be frustrated and exhibit that as anger. We all need to give one another a bit of a break.

Watch for observations from me on this subject as I continue to read the myriad of helpful articles being published these days.