Children as Messengers

A kid’s job is to be a kid.

It’s not to pass on messages between his or her parents.

A parent’s job is to communicate with the other parent, no matter how difficult that might be. If direct communication is impossible, there are other options. A parent’s job is to know better than to involve a child in the dispute between his or her parents, and that includes using that child as a messenger.

When children are told to “tell Mommy…” or “tell Daddy…”, they are put in an impossible position. - they are being directed to convey something which the parent is choosing not to convey themselves. Involving the child may be the very point but the child may not understand the reason for this and he or she may simply invent one, which is problematic. That “explanation” which the child creates may involve assigning blame, sometimes in error, and then the domino of erroneous conclusions begins, often with disastrous effects for the child. and perhaps even for the relationship between the child and each parent.

The fact of conveying the message may be interpreted by the children AND so can the content. “I know you want a bike but I don’t have the money so you should ask your father to give me the money or buy you the bike himself” is a disastrous statement to make to a child . So many messages being conveyed in this statement by one parent to the other but more importantly, so many components of the message prone to interpretation and conclusions by the child. What might a child hear? Here are some examples:

-there are money issues between Mommy and Daddy

-Daddy has more money and Daddy is not giving Mommy enough money

-Daddy is mean to Mommy and Mommy is sad

-if I want things, Daddy is the one to talk to

-Mommy and Daddy are not talking so I have to do the talking for them

-I have an important role here and I cannot fail Mommy

-I have to be mean to Daddy

-I need to help Mommy

Depending on their age and stage of development, a child may have a more or less reasoned approach to these conclusions. Irrespective of their age, no child should ever be put in a position of participating, in any way, in issues between their parents - often, a child is the subject of the dispute but that does not justify involving the child on behalf of one parent or the other. Loyalty binds, overt or implied expectations that a child choose a parent or express allegiance to one parent over the other are harmful to children and have long-term, negative impact on their healthy growth and development.

Let a kid be a kid. That’s their job.

©AJJakubowska