Dating after Separation
Many people want to date after a separation but how soon is “too soon”? The answer to this question is a very personal one ~ what might appear reasonable to person A may be downright scandalous to person B. Longing for companionship and support in what is often a very difficult time on many levels is very common. Again, each person seeks that human connection at a pace that is right for them. In case you are wondering, the law does not provide us with any rules as to when separated spouses can date. Religion often plays a role in the decision - many people choose not to date until they are divorced. Others date only once the exes have moved into separate residences.
From my perspective, children matter most in the separation equation because they are always innocent bystanders to their parents’ decisions. If you are contemplating dating again, put their interests at the forefront. I suggest the following guidelines:
A new adult - Children often experience their parents’ separation in a raw and visceral way. This is a very, very emotional time for them, and their stage of development will impact their reaction to all the changes that come when two adults, their parents, decide to go their separate ways. Adding a new adult into this situation can create further confusion and upset for them. Bear this in mind when considering the timing of your introduction.
Timing - I say, let the dust settle a bit. Keep your dating private for at least a year while your children adjust to the separation. This is not a hard-and-fast rule for every situation but it is a good rule of thumb. The person you are dating 2 months after you separate may not be the person you move in with a year later, to form a longer term relationship. Your children will not benefit from meeting 3 people in a span of 3 months - give yourself a chance to find the right person without, in a sense, involving the kids in your search. Do the introduction only when THEY are ready to meet someone who will be in your life for some time to come.
Introduction - Phasing in your new relationship is a good idea. Do not lay it too thick too soon. “A friend of daddy’s is coming to the Zoo with us” is better at the start than “I have a new boyfriend and you are going to meet him when we go to the Zoo this weekend”. Remember ~ you and your ex are still your children’s parents, that will never change, and to them you might appear disloyal by having someone else in your life. Take is easy and take it slow.
Involve the other parent - In a perfect world, you and your ex have addressed this issue in your Parenting Plan, in advance. You have turned your minds to when any such introduction will take place and how. If you have not, speak to your ex and tell him/her that you would like the children to meet your new significant other. Have an open, pragmatic discussion about this - it should always be from the perspective of what is best for the kids and not what is best for you. That open dialogue is not always possible but bear in mind that if your ex finds out about the new person from the children, that might further negatively impact the level of trust between the two of you, as parents to your kids.
…and do not forget your own emotional state. Keep your eyes open as you embark on dating again, pay attention to your own emotions, reactions, to how you process information. Separation can create vulnerability ~ recognize that as you search for new adult partnerships and bonds.
©AJJakubowska