Talking to your Lawyer
Effective communication can be quite challenging when we are stressed. It is often difficult to get across what we are trying to say, and even processing information coming in our direction can be a daunting.
I very much identify with comments made by others about the experience of being in a stressful situation - it may feel like a tunnel and people talking to us sound like the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons, saying “whah whah whah whah…” A person I know described holding a megaphone in front of their lips but no matter how loudly they shouted, their message simply was not coming out.
This potential challenge in conveying and processing information in a state of anxiety or pressure is one of the reasons patients often bring a friend or a relative to a medical appointment. They want to make sure that what the doctor says is not heard just by them but also by another person.
If you are separated, you may already have a lawyer or you may be considering hiring one. The title of this blog post is not flippant or sarcastic. Rather, this post is designed to address the fact that in the context of your separation, which may be very stressful and challenging, you may find yourself sitting across from your lawyer or speaking to them on the phone, and really not processing effectively what they are telling you or being unable to get across what you are trying to convey. Cut yourself some slack. You are in a very unique situation, possibly one you have never faced before. In such a case, it is not at all surprising that you would experience a high degree of stress, anxiety and maybe even depression.
These circumstances make communication a challenge. So how do you talk to your lawyer?
Remember that your lawyer is a fellow human being and also, that you are, in fact, paying them to assist you. They work for you. They are expected to “take you as you are”, meaning, they need to adjust to the way you are feeling at that particular time. Let me clarify what I mean here. If you have a meeting scheduled with your lawyer but on the morning of the meeting you wake up feeling upset or out of sorts, communicate that to your lawyer. I do not mean here that you should be cancelling a meeting that may be important on a whim. But your lawyer does need to know how you are feeling because depending on the purpose for the meeting, you may not be in the right frame of mind to process important information your lawyer wants to share with you. The same goes for making decisions and you should never be making these in a situation where you are reacting under stress and without due consideration.
Insist that the lawyer “speak your language”. What do I mean here? All professionals have a tendency to operate with technical phrases and terms of art. Many of us try very hard not to do this but sooner or later we default to phrases and expressions that are bread and butter to us but may not be easily accessible to you. If your lawyer tells you something you do not understand, tell them and request that the lawyer try to explain it to you in a different way. I always tell my clients it is vitally important that they understand what is happening in their case - the claims they are making, the positions they are taking – and that their choices be well-informed and thought through. Again, remember the lawyer works for you and it is their job to ensure that important information be accessible to you so that you can have complete control of your case.
Some people process information better when it is in writing. An email or a memo from their lawyer gives them an opportunity to review the language several times, perhaps put it aside and come back to it, perhaps formulate questions over time. If this is a more effective way of communicating with your lawyer, at least on some of the issues or in some instances, always be comfortable telling your lawyer this and they need to adjust their management of your file to suit you, so that you process important information effectively and constructively.
©AJJakubowska