How to tell children about a separation

Many recently-separated parents wonder how to best tell their children about the separation. I receive many questions about this issue - whether parents should tell their children together, how much information should be provided to the children and how to actually do it. The answers to these questions are not altogether straightforward because they depend on a whole host of factors, including the circumstances of the separation, the children's ages and stages of development, as well as the degree to which the separated parents still get along. The best-case scenario is one that involves both parents telling the children about the separation together, with a unified message that reinforces, over and over again, that the children will continue to be loved by both parents, and that parents will do everything they can, through cooperation with one another, to help the children adjust to the separation. How that message is conveyed depends, once again, on the children's ages and stages of development, their ability to understand abstract concepts and process information. There is little doubt that parents don't need to sit down with 3-year-old twins and tell them they are separating. Children that age will not process the fact that their parents are ending a relationship and moving into separate residences the same way a 10 or 12-year-old will. When children hear a unified message from their parents and are able to ask them both questions, at the same time, they often feel more reassured and assign less blame to either parent for the separation.  If the message comes from one parent only and is, unfortunately, reinforced by a load of emotion, children are more likely to look for their own reasons for their parents’ split and may blame themselves.

I often suggest to my clients that they speak to health care professionals and seek some expert advice on how to best approach this issue. For example, a child's pediatrician, who knows them well and understands their strengths and weaknesses, may be in a position to offer some very helpful advice on how to broach the topic. In terms of questions, those coming from older children are likely to be more complex and more difficult to answer in the short-term than those coming from younger children. The overall approach should be to answer the questions posed but not to offer more information than is being asked for. Children should also not be misled, meaning that if a question does not have a solid answer, that should be made clear as opposed to providing an answer which is misleading or untruthful. If a child asks, for example, where Mom and Mom will live and if that has not yet been determined, parents should answer in an honest way, and say that this has not yet been decided but they will work together on sorting this out. Some of my clients have even met with psychologists or counsellors to discuss the best approach, and create a bit of a plan for how to tackle this sensitive subject.

 From my perspective, one other things to keep in mind is the following: children are very sensitive to the dynamic between their parents. They are often able to sense, a lot earlier than parents anticipate, that there are difficulties between their parents and that a separation may be imminent. Again, the extent of this perception depends on each child but even toddlers are able to sense tension between their parents and it sometimes translates into behaviours that parents may not immediately understand.

 The overall message? - Remember that how you act, including in relation to the other parent, has the potential of deeply affecting your child, not only at the time of separation but going forward. Keep this in mind throughout the separation process and as you go forward. Just because your relationship has come to an end, the relationship of adults – the romantic relationship – you remain parents and your children continue to see you as parents. They are seeking love, approval and reassurance.

©AJJakubowska